Ah, Christmas. Eggnog, presents, Peanuts wrapping paper, faux trees, ham. Oh, bliss.
Of course there IS something(s) that really busts my hump about the holidays.
- The Xbox craze.
Anybody else see those Walmart ads that say “You can get an Xbox for only $499. Wow!” $499. Seriously? My mother can get like TWENTY presents for less than the price of Xbox. Busts. My. Hump. (But that still doesn’t mean I don’t want one.)
- The NEW holiday “classics”.
The NEW holiday “classics” that appear on TV, taking up valuable space where you could be showing Die Hard, Iron Man 3, and basically any other Shane Black movie. You could be showing little boys and girls the true meaning of Christmas: Robert Downey Jr., Bruce Willis, holding a shotgun to people’s heads to make them carol, and machine guns. F*** yes.
- Green bean casserole. *Insert shudder.*
I like green beans, sure. Not canned green beans with cream of mushroom soup and no French’s onions on it, either. It’s not like my family has it every year for Christmas. But a word of advice, Do Not Eat It.
- Elf On The Shelf.
My mother has an Elf On The Shelf. The one that has no story and the one that doesn’t look creepy. Now, this new and “improved” Elf On The Shelf comes with a book, a movie and a female companion (the makers stole that from Doctor Who. Except for the fact that the chick looks exactly like the dude. And Catherine Tate is awesome). Now, all this is creepy (‘Specially the girl) but what’s creepier is the fact that parents sometimes do the Elf On The Shelf. You know, move him so it gives the illusion that he’s going to the North Pole to tell Santa about how good Timmy has been. This thing is wrong in and of itself. Has no one listened to Smokey Robinson. “HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS IF YOU BEEN BAD OR GOOD SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE.” I rest my case.